My Holiday List

Dear beloved family members,
The following list is being provided to you as a courtesy service for the things that I may want/need for the upcoming holidays:

1. I want nothing.*
People in this country are losing their jobs and they can't pay their own mortgages because the economy is mess. Yes, I realize that we are lucky to be able to do these things and that:

a. Makes me feel ridiculous for spending frivolous dollars.
b. Makes me prefer to help them put food on their own tables.

2. A $90+ dollar ham/turkey is not necessary.
Two of them, since we can't figure out how to eat at one house, is even more ridiculous. On the matter of having two simultaneous Thanksgiving dinners... well, that just speaks for itself, doesn't it? Instead of working together on one meal, let's split up forcing more people to cook and clean for two meals. Maybe I'll fast with my wine cooler. Speaking of...

3. Someone else to give the family toast this year.
Since I doubt you will like it if I choose to boycott the holidays and work on my book on either a warm beach or beside the fire in a snowy cabin, then someone else will have to do the family toast this year because I refuse.

*If you just can't get past the need to give, then I will provide you with a list of charities that I approve of and you may send money in my name to them.

Since a vacation would likely rub you the wrong way, I am hereby announcing my interest in local volunteer work on Thanksgiving and Christmas. My absence from festivities, should it become the plan, will be noted in advance.

Sincerely,
Uncle Bobby