bigBADbobism: The 3 Nakeds

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“What are you wearing right now?”

This question, which often gets asked over a medium that lacks sight—IM, phone, email—can basically be answered in any way that you like because it’s not about what you’re wearing; it’s about what you say that you’re wearing. On the Internet or the phone you can be, or wear, anything that you want.

In person, it’s a completely different story.

There are three types of Nakeds in the world: the Be Nakeds, the Get Nakeds and the No Nakeds.

Be Nakeds are those that like to be without clothes at every available opportunity. They hang out in their houses naked, surf the web naked and are the first to ditch the dungarees and skinny dip in the nearest naturally occurring body of water. Be Nakeds aren’t ever in a hurry to put their clothes back on once they’ve come off.

The class of Get Nakeds enjoy taking their clothes off—or having them removed—but after they’ve spent some time in the lands of Be Naked, the Get Nakeds find an excuse to put their clothes back on. These are the types that take off their swimsuit after they’ve submersed themselves in the hot tub, making sure not to fling the suit itself out of reach so they can put it back on before they get out.

And then there are the rare, and hard to identify, No Nakeds; they wander among us in places where there is no chance that clothes will become optional. Unfortunately, Be Nakeds and Get Nakeds are also often found in the same places. No Nakeds don’t want to have anything to do with being naked and don’t want anyone to see them naked. Yet, we never know who they are until it’s too late.

How did this come about? Once upon a time, in the Land of Naked, there was no such thing as clothes. The people slept naked, danced naked and loitered naked. The climate was perfect, so clothes were not needed. Unfortunately, one night Mother Nature went on a drunken binge and hooked up with Old Man Winter at his place. The next morning she felt so distraught that, during her walk of shame, she decided to improve her attitude by raining some bitter temperatures down upon the people of the land. She was instantly satisfied when she saw them scramble to clad themselves with leaves, animal skins and tree bark. Among them, a young female entrepreneur saw the opportunity and fashion was born. She quickly hired fellow Nakeds to sew and barter her wares, further dividing the Nakeds into Haves and Have Nots, though the Have Nots labeled themselves as Traditionalists. Ultimately, this divided the Nakeds into three classes: Be, Get and No.

With the division of classes came the cultural aspect of modesty. The Nakeds began judging each other in an attempt to prove that their way was the way one should live. Shame befell those that wanted, but could not have. Conceit grew in the minds of those that had. With time, disputes would rage between the classes and the world would never again see peace.

I find it odd that eight of the fifteen definitions found for “naked” on dictionary.com denote something “lacking” or “inadequate.” Many of us are ashamed of our bodies, which often dictates which class of Naked that we fall into. Therefore, to make matters easier and to, perhaps, end all wars, I offer the following new set of rules:

• Be upfront with your Naked Class.
• Some Get Nakeds can date Be Nakeds, but not all Be Nakeds can date Get Nakeds.
• No Nakeds must date each other and no one else.

Personally, I’m a Get Naked. I’ve dated all three types and the No Naked class is the one that I need to avoid. When she locks the door while brushing her teeth, that’s a sure sign of a No Naked. It has nothing to do with the teeth; it has everything to do with not wanting to be seen while showering, dressing or applying the layer of makeup that serves as a second skin between her nakedness and the world.

In the beginning I asked, “What are you wearing?” Perhaps the better question has less to do with clothes and more to do with the lack of them,

“What kind of Naked are you?”


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