My Life As A Dog

I feel like a dog this morning—a very loyal and well-trained dog. I’ve been trained to come when called, to sit on command and to roll over in bed when big wet facial kisses are no longer wanted. Yes, I’m as loyal as they come… my Masters over the years have done a fine job of teaching me to obey.

I speak, on command, when my Masters need to be engaged; engaging them often gets me a snack because I know how to say the right things, even when I’m thinking something else.

Arf. Arf.

I like to lay my head in my Master’s lap and let her pet my head or scratch me behind the ears. I also like to nuzzle into that place on my Master’s neck right above her shoulder where I can breathe in her ear and whine a little bit when she stops petting me.

No matter how far away, when I hear my Master’s whistle, I come home as quickly as I can. I’ve been thousands of miles away and I still feel the urge to come calling. Like I said, I’ve been trained well.

Yeah, I lick myself clean because that’s how we dogs roll. Yet, I’ve never figured out why sometimes it grosses my Master out and other times it makes her very affectionate.

When I don’t have a Master, I like to play with cats: skinny ones, talkative ones, some alley-style ones, but mostly black ones. My friend Spike said to watch out for the black ones, but I guess I like to invite trouble into my lazy life, otherwise I just end up sleeping in the sun all day. Cats are smart, though not smart enough to know how nice life can be when you play dumb. For instance, some of the smart cats like to give me peanut butter because I look silly when I try to eat it, but they don’t realize that it comes back to haunt them later when I start passing atrocious gas.

Pssssssssst.

When I get tired of playing with the cats, I retreat to my doghouse for a while. Sometimes they just won’t stop talking or rubbing up against me, those cats... I have to remind them that we just aren’t meant to be together.

Honestly, I prefer having a Master; it’s my goal in life to love, serve and protect. I want a Master who will see my weepy eyes and immediately rub my belly.

Yeah, that’s my kicker.