WILL TRADE CHEEZ-ITs FOR BOOZE!

A vision of beauty via Wikipedia

In my oh-so-intelligent manor (criminy, what is wrong with my spelling today) manner, I cleaned out the grocery store yesterday of crackers, breads, fruit--sustenance to ride out the pending, no LOOMING, threat of Winter Storm Catastrophe 2010--and yet, I forgot the most important life-giving ingredient: RED, RED WINE. It makes watching all the suckers out in the elements much, much more fun.

There is a reason why St. Bernards walk the mountains of the world with booze (brandy, they say) around their necks, it's needed for LIFE. I mean--seriously--I can melt some snow for water, but I sure can't fire up a still in the middle of nowhere. Do that Bear Grylls; teach us something we could really use, eh?

So, here I sit tortured by the various versions of the song (UB40 being the one that most of you likely know, though it was originally recorded by Neil Diamond), jonesin' for something to drink, but alas, this is a dry county with icy roads. I'm new here, but I've learned that the nearest liquor store is something like 12.5 miles away.

DOH!

Therefore, I will trade CHEEZ-ITs for your snowmobile, so that I may zoooom down the highway and snare a case of red wine... well, that is, unless you've got booze in your house and you're right across the street. In that case, I'll trade CHEEZ-ITs for your friendship (so I can get at your stores).

(All in jest). ;-)

Tuesday Clusterf*ck Tuesday

A low energy feeling this morning prompted me to get out of the house and head to the local coffee shop for a smoothie and the absence of distractions to get some work done. This, my friends, is when the clusterfucks began...

1. There are no available tables or laps within reach of an outlet. My laptop only has about 30 minutes of juice.

2. I forgot my iPod. I have a hard time being efficient without music.

So, I decided to drop by the light shop to pick up my ceiling fan blades and deliver them down to the condo so the workers can install them.

3. A majority of the traffic lights I encounter turn yellow right at that point where you either have to punch it or hit the brakes hard. Annoying when they all hit me like that in the same day. I ran two of them. Both of the variety that are stupidly placed on what-would-otherwise-be highways.

4. The onramp at Noland and 70 West is closed.

5. I sit at a light for, literally, 15 minutes because of the overflow from the closed onramp and the fact that the left turn light is on a timer and only a couple of cars at a time can get through. Of course, I'm behind an 18-wheeler.

6. Rule of the Road #734: Getting on the freeway behind an 18-wheeler with a tractor on the back has a tendency to cover your car with dust and rocks as it gets up to speed.

7. I forget that you can't get to 350 West from 435 South, so I cruise through Swope Park and have to avoid an idiot driver who is actually reversing in the wrong direction on the blind side of a right-hand bend.

8. I can't get a hold of anyone at my condo on the property or on the phone. The ceiling fan blades are coming home with me.

Fuck it. I stop for a Chipotle (where I wanted Carnitas, but the food inspector has the thermometer in it and is whispering to the manager something about not being hot enough... I'll have chicken), then over to CVS to pick up body wash. While I'm here, I noticed that Ravenswood Zin is on sale for about $8. Gimme one of those and a box of Cheez-Its.

Yes, I'm drinking a glass of wine at 330pm after all that. Want to join me?