The problem when you don't know love...

Had a long walk this morning and thought about a conversation I had the other day regarding the rationalization of irrational behavior. The longer I live the more I see irrational behavior that emanates from monogamy. Now, I'm not purporting that we strike monogamy from culture and enter a great sex fest. No, not at all, there are too many good reasons to not do that. I don't think we should live in such a "light switch" world, though. It's obvious that neither "on" nor "off" are working for most people. In this case, neither people are happy committed to each other or sleeping around on each other.

What's the point?

I read an Esquire article many years ago that described the perfect plan for infidelity; it must be with someone in your similar state of relationship (say, both married with kids), this someone must live out of town and you must meet at a neutral location (neither town you live in). The article might have also said something about only meeting once per year for a couple of days since it's hard to cover up much more than that.

I think we can apply the same thought process to our everyday relationships... minus the secrecy.

A big sliver of the happiness pie chart is trust. If one person doesn't trust the other to stay true to the "rules" of their relationship, then irrational behavior becomes the norm. You aren't trusted to go out on a bender with your friends, to meet the gals/guys in Las Vegas, to run into an ex accidentally, carry a conversation with her and act friendly even in the slightest way--men and women both do this--suddenly treating the other like a piece of property. "Hey bitch, that's my man," or, "I don't want you talking to that dickhead."

Damn, seriously? Grow up or get out of my life.

If you trust someone enough that you want to spend the rest of your life together, then you should trust them with these ultimately petty situations. Problem is you can't. You can't because you have no idea what love really is--you don't know yourself, what you want or where you're going--so you don't have any clue what kind of partner works for you. And, because you're in a mad rush to get married and/or have kids, your life equation looks like this:


W x F = P
W = Weddings
F = Frequency of Her/My Girlfriends Having Them
P = Pressure to Marry

You commit the act of accepting a life of unsuccessfully but constantly trying to hammer a round peg into a square hole--neither of you are right for each other, but you believe you can shape the other. Now, change and sacrifice are a healthy part of a good relationship, but the degree to which most of you want your "other" to change is irrational, but instead of the risk of not finding real love, you engage in the ultimate rationalization of a completely irrational act by getting all wedded up for a life of frustration, complaints, constantly picking on each other in public (yes, you pick on the one you like, on the playground in 3rd grade! If you're doing this constantly as an adult, you're not in love), hours in separate rooms watching separate television shows (by the way, if you already spend most every night doing nothing but watching TV and you're not married yet... you're not in love) and probably, some degree of "cheating" because flirting, winking, sexing or having a friend of the opposite sex gives oxygen to the smoldering embers of mistrust that have always been a massive slice of your relationship pie chart, whether you admit it or not.

I don't think everyone gets it wrong. We all, hopefully, have examples of ideal couples in our lives--we want to be like them. In fact, we want to be like them enough that we believe we are without stepping back to look at why we get so frustrated with each other or partake in a jealous fit of rage or name calling when some trivial thing goes awry. Guess what? Just like a driver on the road might not have seen you in a blind spot, therefore didn't cut you off intentionally, a lot of people aren't in the business of intentionally being mean to each other. Just remember, it's one thing if it happens periodically in unique ways, it's another if it's normal behavior. The first is a mistake. The last is an asshole.

In this conversation that I was having the other day, repeated irrational behavior was rationalized by one person claiming to "understand" the reasons for the other person's behavior. A valid statement, but not rational, not enough to make it acceptable behavior. As adults, emotionally immature behavior is simply childish. So, why is it being rationalized? Guilt? Fear? Convenience? Yeah, it's probably a combination of not wanting to be alone, enjoying the convenience of the relationship and, perhaps, retribution for some offense that one person committed to the other. On this last point, you can't have trust if you aren't honest with each other. You'd think that would be obvious, but it's so obviously and frequently not.

Don't confuse guilt with love.
Don't confuse fear with love.
Don't confuse convenience with love.

[Words of advice should you ever date me: I don't intend to offend you. If I do then please consider it a learning opportunity for us both and teach me. And when teaching me, skip the part where you think I'm the biggest slime-ball asshole in the world and get right to why you were offended. Nothing aggravates me more than being told I'm loved to being told I'm a piece of crap. 'Cause if you really feel the latter then it's time for you to leave.]

So, if the traditional template of a relationship is broken for most, and the number of divorces pretty much points to this fact, why don't we change the template? 

We already do this with friends; we have one person that we spend most of our time and conversations with, but we've one or two others that fill-in or provide a completely different support function aside from the "best friend."

Can we do this with love, too?

Think about it.

For Love of the American Dream

I voted with a smile. I didn’t need to get up before the sun and stand in line, but I couldn’t sleep any longer. In fact, when I saw the line I became more exhilarated for the great opportunity that we have in this country to make a statement with our vote.

It was chilly and it took an hour to complete the task, but no one complained and absolutely no one that stood in line, or even did a drive by, turned and left. There was a sense of community amongst those nearest me in line. We were all telling jokes and talking about hope. We were liberals and conservatives, and we were there to fix the country.

However, no one was talking about politics and I find that to be a problem with our country. Just last night, a friend said to me, “Can I ask you a personal question?” He wanted to ask about my candidate preference. I have no problem talking about politics (or religion), for my freedom of speech gives me the right to do so. We ‘should’ talk about these things at the dinner table and amongst friends. “Of course,” I replied and continued with conviction, “Obama.”

There is passion in politics and that is the beauty of it! How do you form your own opinion if you don’t listen to the opinions of others? We should talk these things out whether we have a solid stance or we’re sitting on the fence. The community aspects of social marketing and Web 2.0 are making opinions more visible. I hope that will eventually make its way to the more traditional forms of media. In fact, we’re seeing some of the 24-hour news channels run opinions on their tickers and incorporate them into the newscast.

The fear machine is alive and well here in the mid-west: a Muslim, a terrorist, an illegal immigrant in the family, a harbinger of racial riots, the destruction of small business. For every person that brought these concerns to the conversation I asked, “How can you vote based on fear and not the issues?” You have to vote based on what they say they will do and, to a degree, what they have done. You have to do your homework and skim off the contextual slander to get to the foundation of the candidate.

So many people are voting based on what they think the candidate will do for/against them personally. I’ve always found that to be a faulty way to cast a ballot. It’s the hangover from issue-based, divisive voting that has made up the past couple of elections since the far right pushed to make the focus of the election such issues as abortion, flag burning, gay marriage and gun control. They did this to get more voters to the polls. I’m happy to see that more people are going to the polls for issues other than those that have historically divided us so greatly.

Vote for what is best for our country. We are a resilient, innovative population of Americans, but we need a true leader that can rally our spirit to forge a new world. It’s been a long time since there was a beacon of hope in the world. Today we have the opportunity to resuscitate the American Dream.

Go. Vote. Now.