Almost The Bachelor

Some of my great gal pals in the Valley, Silicon that is, said, "You should have your own reality show, Bobby!"

I responded and said, "Y'all don't know about the time that I was almost The Bachelor?"

Backed myself into a corner to tell this story now, haven't I?

The Bachelor, Season 6. Fresh off the heels of 5 straight bachelors, none of who ended up being with the girl that was left standing, ABC had decided that they were going to try and find a bachelor that was a bit older. Because we all know that once a mid-20's man knows that every woman in the world now knows that he is single, he will be the last person on Earth to fall upon one knee and mean it.

For years, my friends and family kept saying the same thing over and over, "Bobby, you should totally be The Bachelor." So one Sunday afternoon, I sent my friends and family an email and told them to put their money where their mouths are. I put up a web page with my bio and some pictures for them to download and then pointed them to The Bachelor's nomination form.

Monday morning at 9:30 a.m. my phone rang.

"Hi, this is Amy from ABC's The Bachelor."
I laughed.
"No seriously, this is Amy from ABC's The Bachelor," she repeated, apparently this type of thing had happened to her before.
"No, I believe you," I said. "I'm laughing because... well, I need to tell you a story..."

So, I told her about my friends and family, which launched us into a 45 minute conversation (aka phone interview) that culminated in her telling me that the casting call had ended the previous week, but they weren't sure what they were going to do for the next season. If I could come up to LA for an in-person interview, then they would consider me for the role of the next bachelor.

It was Monday, so I scheduled the interview for late morning on Wednesday. I caught my breath, filled out the lengthy application and made my way to a friends' place in LA on Tuesday night to avoid any traffic complications that I might encounter trying to drive up from San Diego.

Being the creative person that I am, I knew I needed to do something to stand out from all the other Joe's that might be considered. Except, I had no idea what I was walking into. One person? Producers? I envisioned a police interrogation room with a single bright light hanging over my head.

I came up with a plan.

When I met Amy, I gave her a yellow tulip (note: not a red rose) and thanked her. Despite the outcome, she'd already given me three wonderfully enjoyable days.

Amy and I sat down in a very small room with two chairs and a video camera. She asked me all the same questions that we'd previously discussed over the phone. The point, she said, was for the producers to see how I looked on camera. After about 15 minutes of recording, she said everything looked great and she'd be in touch that week.

However, I told her that I'd prepared something special and it might behoove her to record it. I began to tell the story of my life and how it's analogous to the movie Unbreakable, which stars Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel is brittle-boned and believes that there is a person at the other end of the spectrum that is a hardened human. The analogy: I'd caught seven garters in my life, yet I'd never been the next one to get married; I'm that guy that catches garters and they keep him single.

As I told the story, I pulled individual garters from a pants pocket, from off a wrist, inside my jacket pocket, and finally said when I'd reached the last garter, "My sister was one of those that nominated me for The Bachelor, and this is the garter from her wedding. Because her and I live 1500 miles apart, the only way that she could think to find me a good woman was to put me on television."

"I'm tired of catching these. I'm ready to throw one," I ended.

Amy smiled, turned off the camera, and said, "That was really good. I'm glad we recorded it!"

I reached Amy by phone a week later and she told me that they'd decided to go a different direction. The result was The Bachelor: Season 6, where they brought out two 40-year old men on the premier and let the ladies decide who should stay.

It was an entertaining season for me to watch, for sure! Byron (shown above) said he was truly in love with Mary, but she was arrested in November 2007 by police and charged with domestic battery. I wouldn't have picked her, there was a beautiful, sweet grade school teacher that I adored. :-)

That's my Bachelor story!

Maybe Tomorrow?

One of the greatest songs, to me...

STEREOPHONICS, "Maybe Tomorrow"

I've been down and
I'm wondering why
These little black clouds
Keep walking around
With me
With me

It wastes time
And I'd rather be high
Think I'll walk me outside
And buy a rainbow smile
But be free
They're all free

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I look around at a beautiful life
Been the upperside of down
Been the inside of out
But we breathe
We breathe

I wanna breeze and an open mind
I wanna swim in the ocean
Wanna take my time for me
All me

So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home
So maybe tomorrow
I'll find my way home

I can just play this thing over and over and over and think and think and think. It moves me. In reality, I've finally found my way home, so tomorrow is yesterday, but the song still rocks.

We are always looking for the next home. We are always looking for something to bring home. We are always looking to make home a better place. What does your home need?

"A house is built by hands. A home is built by hearts."

Responsibility of the Keeper

I was talking to a friend to the other night... well actually, texting to an ex the other night, but we were friends before we briefly dated and I imagine that we will be closer again at some point in the future.

She was complaining about how, no matter what she says about not being ready for a serious relationship, the men she dates want to move quickly.

My response, "Once you consider yourself to be a good catch, then you have to realize that those you date will do what they can to hook you."

My friends have always called me the "marrying type," not the "dating type." You can look at that from two directions. Personally, I can't do the dating thing. Nothing against it, I just can't juggle multiple women on multiple nights for I always have a favorite. I also can't just date and see, I want to actively work on discovering compatibility because I don't want to waste time if it isn't going to work out.

I always say this, but it's a numbers game and if your number gets called and I don't have what you're looking for (or vice versa), then what's the point?

The other perspective is one with which you have to realize that potential significant others will try to lock down the good ones whether you are ready or not. It is ultimately your responsibility, as a keeper, to manage how you're out there. A man or woman won't care if you don't want a long term thing because they can see the person that you are, if you're a keeper.

So if you're not ready for that, then get off the damn fish market. You're not being kind to my gender and that sort of thing just ticks me off these days. Take responsibility for what you are, dammit.

The Best Way to Interview

A few months ago, I reached out to my cousin's boyfriend and asked him if he could design a business card for me. You see, I have a ton of projects and I could always use a good designer on hand.

The question is, how do you know if a designer is good? Seems like there are always two camps: good designers trying to be coders or good coders trying to be designers.

Anyhow, here is the resulting lesson that I attempting to pass along to my cousin's sig other:

I recognize that you worked your ass off on those cards and I appreciate it. I got them a few weeks ago and they are acceptable (designed well, printing is ok). That bottom bleed that doesn't bleed doesn't look too bad. The area code "6" did get chopped a little bit, but still readable. So, Zazzle is acceptable for a medium quality run.

I'd normally not even take the time to write this, but I'm doing so because you are dating my cousin. I go out of my way to separate personal and professional, so I want to offer some advice to you.

I've got 4 to 5 designers that I work with. They are all damn good. Two of them are working on a project for me right now. One is unavailable because he is just got married. The other two are incredibly busy with life or starting new businesses and also unavailable.

I have a brand new software company I'm working with that is in dire need of design right now... I really think they have a chance to go big. I have two products in alpha market testing and I'm working on a business plan with two gentlemen overseas. I have a ton of work to offer.

Whenever I hire a new marketing manager, I always have them present a concept to a hypothetical new client. We grill them with questions about our company that they would no business knowing. It isn't about the answers, it's about how they deal with the questions.

This business card project was not about the business cards. I could create my own business cards if I wanted to. I wanted to test your creativity and patience.

Yes, I was a pain in the ass on purpose. Curse me if you like, but there are lessons to be learned here. First of all, the printing of your design is the only way that it comes to life. Therefore the printing is as important as the design. If the printer fucks up your design, no one ever says it was the printer's fault, they always say the designer should have known better. Printing errors render materials unusable and
worthless... which, in turn, makes your design worthless.

Second, you have to commit to finishing everything, large or small, and satisfying the customer. You agreed to the price and you must deliver no matter how much time it takes. I never added work to this project. The point is to design what makes the client happy and if the client doesn't know what that is, then you must be an expert to help them figure it out. We eventually got there, which I was very satisfied with, but the process seemed to be a bit frustrating for you. Pick up the phone, chase me down, get your answers, don't assume that you know what I want and continue to run down tangential paths forcing me to bring you back to the main idea.

I knew your were getting frustrated and that was the point. In this country, we learn by doing. I hope that you have learned from this or will eventually.

I'll definitely keep him on the list of those that I call upon.

Flashback Dbl-Dip with Whipped Cream on Top

A double dip flashback happens when you don't expect to run smack into something that reminds you of an ex. In this case, it'd be the one that was my enema. Yes, enema... she cleaned me out and I appreciate it.

While watching... "This is a Gene Simmons Family Jewels, when God made me he broke awwwwwwwwwwl the rules..." I stumbled upon an episode where he went to the Kentucky Derby and made a $100,000 bet. Well, the Country Club where Shannon and Tracy made the bet, Covered Bridge, is the home course of Fuzzy Zoeller and the neighborhood home of one of my ex's. We ate and drank in there a few times. A big holla to her family, whom I adored, but no soup for her.

AND DENNNNNNNN...

I watched what I now consider to be one of my most favorite movies, Cameron Crowe's Elizabethtown. Drew flies into Louisville and meets a Claire... DOH! The ex is a Claire and Covered Bridge is in Sellersburg, IN, right across the river from Louisville.

As a side note, the Claire in Elizabethtown is so right on point with the type of woman that I'd like to spend my life with: sexy, silly, worldly, a little unsure, but passionate about life, thought-provoking with an ability to lead or be lead, but a strong desire to simply walk side-by-side as much as possible.

THE WHIPPED CREAM
The girl that I'd seen a few times in the past week came to a conclusion that I was meandering my way towards. Something was amiss between us. I appreciate her honesty and wish that more people would be upfront about what they feel. So, on one hand it's kind of a bummer, but honest reality is always good for the other hand.

Tuesday Clusterf*ck Tuesday

A low energy feeling this morning prompted me to get out of the house and head to the local coffee shop for a smoothie and the absence of distractions to get some work done. This, my friends, is when the clusterfucks began...

1. There are no available tables or laps within reach of an outlet. My laptop only has about 30 minutes of juice.

2. I forgot my iPod. I have a hard time being efficient without music.

So, I decided to drop by the light shop to pick up my ceiling fan blades and deliver them down to the condo so the workers can install them.

3. A majority of the traffic lights I encounter turn yellow right at that point where you either have to punch it or hit the brakes hard. Annoying when they all hit me like that in the same day. I ran two of them. Both of the variety that are stupidly placed on what-would-otherwise-be highways.

4. The onramp at Noland and 70 West is closed.

5. I sit at a light for, literally, 15 minutes because of the overflow from the closed onramp and the fact that the left turn light is on a timer and only a couple of cars at a time can get through. Of course, I'm behind an 18-wheeler.

6. Rule of the Road #734: Getting on the freeway behind an 18-wheeler with a tractor on the back has a tendency to cover your car with dust and rocks as it gets up to speed.

7. I forget that you can't get to 350 West from 435 South, so I cruise through Swope Park and have to avoid an idiot driver who is actually reversing in the wrong direction on the blind side of a right-hand bend.

8. I can't get a hold of anyone at my condo on the property or on the phone. The ceiling fan blades are coming home with me.

Fuck it. I stop for a Chipotle (where I wanted Carnitas, but the food inspector has the thermometer in it and is whispering to the manager something about not being hot enough... I'll have chicken), then over to CVS to pick up body wash. While I'm here, I noticed that Ravenswood Zin is on sale for about $8. Gimme one of those and a box of Cheez-Its.

Yes, I'm drinking a glass of wine at 330pm after all that. Want to join me?

My thoughts on volunteerism...

Good friend, Roger Craver, and his peer Tom Belford have posted my thoughts on seeking a metric for volunteerism that can be used to motivate people to do more, or at least do something.

Their blog, The Agitator, discusses the latest in donation trends.

My argument is...
It would seem that we really need a conversion factor; a coefficient of contribution, so to speak that allows us to convert dollars and hours, respectively, into another unit of philanthropic measure. How about the "DoneGood?"

Because Americans revel in the chance to collect points; we desire to be the top point collector. Non-profits could take advantage of this cultural premise in their own microcosm or there could be an over-arching reward zone that shows people all of the various opportunities to contribute.

If, for the rest of your life, you need to contribute 4000 hours, then we can multiple volunteer hours by hourly value to get total contribution needed: 4000 hours x $19.51/hour = $78,040 is what each needs to contribute.

With the 2007 life expectancy of an American at 78.1 years (CIA Factbook) and the median American of 36.7 (CIA Factbook, I couldn’t find a reliable mean age), then the average American has 41.4 years to contribute $78,040 of money+time.

For each year, one would have to contribute a combination of money and time that valued: $78,040 / 41.4 = $1885

If 100% volunteer time, that would amount to: $1885 / $19.51 per hr = 96.6 hours/year.

How much time have you put in?